he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
