Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
