Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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