walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
