hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
