I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
