he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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