come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
