I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
