He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
