READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
