I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
