I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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