i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
