I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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