someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
