Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
