Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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