I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
