it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
