How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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