i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
