I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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