I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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