don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
