I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
nutella sex= disaster
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
