i dedicated my morning wood to you.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
