Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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