hotel room ftw
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize