My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
