Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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