I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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