This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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