How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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