im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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