i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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