I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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