I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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