my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if only i could text you this smell
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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