i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
