Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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