Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
