Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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