it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
