I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
