i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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