Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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