the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
