How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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