Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
