I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
