Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
