a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
