So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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