Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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