He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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