Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
